One Year Later: I don’t want to think about…


Dedicated to you.

I don’t want to think about how you’re not here. I don’t want to think about how it’s been the roughest year of my life. I don’t want to think about how I haven’t had a dream about you in months. I don’t want to think about how amazing you make me feel when you sing. I don’t want to think about how awful I felt the day you died. I don’t want to think about how I think you’re my someone in the dark. I don’t want to think about how I survived this year. I don’t want to think about the fact that I’m wearing a purple shirt with you on it right now. I don’t want to think about the tattoo on my back and the reason I finally got it. I don’t want to think about how I cried more this year than I EVER have. I don’t want to think about how I never sent you those letters. I don’t want to think about how I feel guilty. I don’t want to think about how I still, to this day, let my tear drops fall on your candle, putting out its flame. I don’t want to think about how many texts and apologies I received a year ago. I don’t want to think about the fact that I left the one person who truly understood how I feel about you. I don’t want to think about how I defended you over and over and over again, like a faithful friend should. I don’t want to think about how my best friend is going to see one of her favorite bands tomorrow for the second time, and I’ll never get to see you. I don’t want to think about all the tributes this year. I don’t want to think about that fucking doctor. I don’t want to think about how unhappy you were. I don’t want to think about the fact that I fear everything now. I don’t want to think about the fact that I lost a lot of my desire. I don’t want to think about the tabloids, and how they CONTINUE to make you look like a jerk. I don’t want to think about how you’re kids are coping. I don’t want to think about all the fans who I relate to. I don’t want to think about anything.

I don’t want to be sad anymore. 😦

Photo Credit: Michael

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