Dedicated to the person who continually encourages me when I come to him.

Why do women cry at the drop of a hat…most women anyway? I swear, this Ben Harper song is an instant tear jerker for me. It’s not about sadness whatsoever. It makes me feel alive, happy, golden.

I continue break myself down routinely. It’s a hard habit to break… My boyfriend reminds me of my passionate, beautiful soul each time I have an episode. The thing is, I completely believe him. I believe in myself completely. What then, is the reason for my ongoing mental massacre I perform on myself?

This song, “She’s Only Happy in the Sun”…I feel like it’s mine. It was meant for me. I sometimes think that I’m only fully happy when everything seems to be perfect (although we all know everything is rarely in sync with everything else). Yin and Yang seems to be more of a battle within me rather than a symmetrical force. My life expectations are sky high, which could be considered pleasing or suicidal. In my case, my expectations are suicidal.

I set goals to perform well in school, and I do end up performing well, but the stress involved during the process is overwhelming. However, it does pay off in the end. Also, when expected plans unexpectedly change, my emotions change drastically. It is not healthy. The only methods of calming I have tried thus far are calming herbal supplements and music. I have recently been taking herbal supplements from an organic health food store whenever I feel like I’m about to get angry for a minimal reason. They are like my security blanket. The music that helped was Sade’s “Love Deluxe” album.

The three verses of “She’s Only Happy in the Sun”, minus the choruses:

I know you may not want to see me
On your way down from the clouds.
Would you hear me if I told you
That my heart is with you now?

Did you find what you were after?
The pain and the laughter brought you to your knees.
But if the sun sets you free, sets you free,
You’ll be free indeed, indeed.

Every time I hear you laughing, I hear you laughing
It makes me cry.
Like the story of life, of your life
Is hello, goodbye.

I thought for a while that I didn’t know how to be happy, but that is ridiculous. I know exactly the joys that make my smile emerge. However, I convince myself that there are more important priorities on my “to do” list. How can there be anything more important than my own happiness? I have to know how to please myself before I can please anyone else.

So here’s my pledge: I will satisfy my soul each day, before anything else.

“That’s all I have to say about that.” – Forrest Gump

Photo Credit: Ben Harper


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